I refuse to accept the negatives that are thrown at me. I am a positive person, and I won't buy into the negativity.

At work, my boss is yet again manipulating things to make it appear as if he has had no bearing on the ridiculous machinations he has put into place. He is an example of everything one should strive not to be: he lies, he can't take any responsibility, and he's cruel.

At home I am making things known, things that I need, things that I deserve. Too often I'm taken for granted. I refuse to accept that and won't let it continue.

In my relationship with Joe, I finally had the courage to lay it all out on the line. I told him how I felt, and told him how his words sometimes hurt me. The world didn't end, the earth didn't cave in, and it definitely helped to clear the air.

I want more weekends of fun, I want more love and laughter in my life. The best way to attract those things into my life is to show them to others. The people who can't see that are the ones who won't be worth my time.

I am attending a workshop on GLBTi diversity for librarians. How do we, as a group, make sure to include everyone? How do we serve this very diverse community?

I try to get more GLBT literature on the shelves, but the director is resistant. I don't understand that in our community. NJ has always seemed like such a tolerant state (at least in parts). In 2000, there were 16,604 same sex couples living in NJ, and the number increased to 20,667 by 2005. Census data shows that as of 2005, approximately 245,628 people in NJ identified as gay, lesbian, or bi.

Because of my involvement in the poly community, I know many couples, triads and groups who can identify as gay or bi. Some are straight but definitely not narrow in their thinking. How would I serve them? I've noticed so many books with poly themes lately, and I try to make a note of them so I can recommend them if asked.

Do we create a separate queer studies shelf, or would people be less likely to approach the books if they were in that section? If we interfile gay themed literature, will it help us promote it as mainstream, thereby helping to show new ideas or new ways of thinking to other people?

We're having a concert on the 7th and the performer identifies as bi and polyamorous. I am hoping that his performance will bring in a more diverse crowd, but if we market him that way, would we be turning off our usual crowd? I would hope not.

Oh, what a weekend it was! On Friday night I baked over 100 cupcakes to bring to the picnic the following day. I made three batches of buttercream frosting, too. My taste-testers (Nathalie, Mom, Haley and Lance) all approved of the offerings.

Saturday morning started out slightly rainy, but luckily it cleared up. Lance took Haley for her race while I finished up getting everything we would need for the picnic. Lee arrived at 10:30AM, and by 11 we were all in the car and on our way to NYC.

We found a lucky parking spot right near the picnic site. I think we were only about 15 minutes late, and that didn't matter. People came and went all day. Yvon and Marly were already there, so we parked our chairs and blankets next to them. The Poly Pride picnic was a lot of fun. It was much smaller in scale than last year (understandably so, with the division in the ranks) but I liked the fact that it wasn't as loud as last year.

My cupcakes were a hit! The day's emcee, Kelli Dunham, announced to the crowd that I had enough to share. Everyone descended upon our blanket, hoping for a cupcake. I don't think anyone went away disappointed. When Kelli found out it was my birthday, she announced that as well and had the day's opera singer lead the crowd in a round of Happy Birthday. Too funny!

We had brought Lucy, our aging Scottie dog, who made it her business to go from blanket to blanket, looking for a back or belly rub. When I went to collect her at the end of the day, someone told me I had the perfect poly dog, since she loves everyone and just wants to cuddle. I guess that's true.

Haley, too, spent the day going from blanket to blanket, looking for attention. She learned how to hula hoop and made a bunch of friends. It's great when kids who don't know each other get together and hit it off.

After the picnic we headed home and ordered Cuban take out. Lee loved the garlic shrimp! Our neighbor, Mary Ellen, came over with a surprise for me - a set of mini cupcakes with candles. It was very touching. :) I have to say, my life might not be the most conventional, but I like the fact that we can all get together and have a good time. Lee is Joe's other sweetie, and to me she's now family. She comes over, spends the night, hangs out in NYC with us, and she's met many of our friends. We all had a good time talking on Saturday night until it was time to turn in. We wanted to get an early start on Sunday.

On Sunday we went in for Open House NY. We toured the Flatiron district - there's a walking tour every Sunday, free to the public. Then we toured the Grand Mason Lodge. Lance and Haley went home before that, since Haley had a birthday party to attend. The Lodge's rooms have been restored and they're gorgeous! Lee and I walked up to the Chrysler building to see the lobby, and then we took the subway over to the Poly Discussion group.

Lately the discussion groups haven't been my favorite activity. They aren't well-attended. I'm always glad to see Joe and Larry, and I'm happy when Barbara can attend. I keep hoping we'll get a bigger group. I think the problem is that most poly people are busy being poly and don't feel the need to discuss it. I go for the social time, not because I have anything pressing to discuss. I had made fliers to advertise the discussion group, and had Haley hand them out on Saturday, hoping it would generate some interest. We had a few more faces attend this week, which was nice, but I think that it would be good if Lee could attend more often. She makes a good moderator.

After the discussion group Joe drove Lee and I back to my place. Lee had to head home because she had an early shift the next day. Lance, Joe, Haley and I went out to dinner, and then Joe came back to the apartment for some relaxing time. I, of course, fell asleep somewhere around 12:30AM. I can't stay up! I'm a morning person due to my life's schedule.

I had Monday off and hoped to go back into Manhattan, but Lance had to work and I made the mistake of waiting for him to finish. I gave up at 3 and decided to go up to the Westchester poly munch. Fun stuff. It was a nice evening, filled with good conversation and some delicious duck.

So, all in all, a good weekend with the crowd. I had fun, I enjoyed my birthday, and I am looking forward to this being a great year.

The Lost Symbol by Dan Brown


My rating: 3 of 5 stars
Way too contrived! I felt that Robert Langdon came off as a preachy blowhard, and I wasn't impressed.

The book seems well researched and at first I was able to overlook the preachy aspect and enjoy the story, but as time went on I found it to be extremely disappointing.

View all my reviews >>

Yesterday I saw a house that would be perfect for us. It needs work, but yes, perfect!

It had the traditional living room/dining room/eat in kitchen downstairs, as well as a den, a little guest room or office, and a full bath. The second floor had three bedrooms and a full bath, and the attic had two "almost finished" rooms. I say almost finished because they were finished years ago, but have fallen into disrepair. The basement is partially finished and decent enough for storage.

I really wish I had the money for the down payment! I could make the small room on the first floor a lovely guest room, and although the cabinets were old (probably 1960) I could definitely refinish them. They were good, strong, wood. I found the house to be so charming - and it has parking!!! Sigh.

I'm surprised at how long it's been since I last updated this. I guess that I've been so busy out and about that I didn't have time to sit and collect my thoughts.

I'm happy with the way things are going. I've made some decisions, yet I feel stuck in other ways. Lots of delays, but hey, that's life.

My love life? Well, I guess that's good. Joe and I are still dating, and I have developed quite the friendship with his other girlfriend.  She comes up and hangs out with us, which is really nice.  I am happy about that.  Another member of the poly community has expressed an interest in getting to know me, but we have both been so busy that it hasn't materialized as of yet. Still, it's nice to be noticed.

On the health front, I am tired of the problems I have from my gastric bypass surgery. The bypass itself is fine, it's the vertical band that the doc placed at the top of the stoma that causes me problems. I'm looking into having that reversed but Blue Cross is making me jump through major hurdles - this might be a 6 month thing. I'm not happy about that. It'll be quite an experience, having this done, because it's going to mean a lot of reworking and a lot of down time.

Work has been crazy. People leave, people get fired, and I just keep doing more and more. I'm not thrilled about that, believe me. I want a break. I don't mind doing work that's appreciated, but I know I'm grossly underpaid. I'm hoping something better will come along.

House buying is up in the air, we can't seem to get together what we need to accomplish that. Maybe next year. I think that the government will extend the first time homebuyer credit, so maybe by this time next year I'll be able to think about buying. I have some more stuff to pay off, and I have bills that keep cropping up, but I know that's everywhere. 

All in all, though, I think I know more about myself than I ever did before. I might not be truly "poly" but I am happy that I have made a wonderful group of friends, and that they are supportive of my endeavors. My children are doing well, too. I guess the one area that's lacking is still my marriage, but I made the decision to stay so I'll stay. I just have to learn to be more assertive with standing up for myself and not becoming the one who does it all.

The poly pride picnic is being held on my birthday. Originally we weren't going to go since Poly NYC made it known that they're not supportive of the hetero crowd, but now a bunch of us are going - just to have a place to celebrate my birthday!

We bring with us, into our relationships, the memories of everything that came before. Sometimes those memories aren't the best, and the slightest gesture can trigger some unwanted feelings.

My biggest issue is body image. I'm never happy with my body. For many years I was convinced that I wasn't pretty enough, thin enough, shapely enough, to make my husband love me. I never stopped to think that the problems were on his end. I always assumed it was because of who I was and how I looked. Why would I have thought that? Well, because I gained a great deal of weight during the early years of our marriage, and because I had been told from the time that I was young that I was too heavy.

I look back on those childhood pictures and I don't see it. I didn't start getting heavy until we moved to the woods. Even then, regular, simple diet help would have been better than the crazy regimen to which I was subjected. I was told I was fat, but then I was encouraged to go to the mall for cheesecake. My Mom had her own body image issues. She had been a heavy teen but dropped all the weight before marrying my Dad, but she never saw herself as thin.

I fulfilled the "you're fat" prophecies by becoming fat. Yes, I have a low metabolism, but I was also never encouraged to be physical. I learned early on that the best escape from life was a good book and a bowl of ice cream.

Last year, not believing that I was thin enough, I went on a diet. Not so bad, right? But I became obsessive. I took fat blockers even though I was on a low-fat diet. I took lasix before my weekly weigh-ins just to make sure I wasn't retaining any water. I lost quite a bit but what I really lost was my health. The tired, achy, miserable feeling I had, combined with depression and painful swelling, was caused my an iron and vitamin deficiency. Seems we need fat to absorb our vitamins. My obsessive dieting made me so anemic that I had to go for tests to discover internal bleeding.

After I became lethargic I had a bounce back. I couldn't stop eating. I still have the ring around the stoma, so I don't eat as much as the average person, but my metabolism is shot and up until recently I didn't have the energy to do much in the way of movement. The rainy, miserable spring didn't help my frame of mind or my ability to get out and move. I know what I have to do, I just haven't been able to bring myself to do it.

I've gained weight. I think I put on a total of 50 lbs. since my lowest weight, measured in April, 2008. I hate this. I feel like a failure, and I even started considering a revision to my bypass. I loathe the idea of more surgery, and I don't want to do that to myself. Still, the thought that I could possibly be "normal" is out there and it beckons me in an insidious way.

I was hurt this past weekend when, in a small group of people, I was described as significantly overweight. Hurts to hear, but it especially hurt because it came from someone I love. To be fair, he was talking about me and about one other woman he dates, and the context was that we weren't his type. The man looks at me with desire, he can't keep his hands off me, but he tells others I'm not his type? He talked about his ideal woman and I don't think I fit into most of the categories. I know his other girlfriend can laugh this off ,and she readily admits that he wasn't her type when they met, but they both felt there was something there.

For me, though, after a lifetime of struggling with these body image issues, I became very hurt. I don't want to be compared to anyone else. I want to be loved for being me, even if the me has a big ass and thighs.  I held back the tears as best I could  - I hate that I get so emotional - and tried to act as if nothing were wrong.

The signals are so mixed. Later that evening he was caressing my thighs, probably the heaviest part of me, and was doing so as if it were the most erotic thing he'd ever done. I swear he looked at me like a kid staring in a candy store window. If I'm not attractive, then why does he look at me that way? What am I not getting about this?

I worry about the relationship because my experience is so limited. He's been with so many women and you can count my relationships on one hand, and have counting fingers left over. So yeah, rather than try to discuss it, I pretended nothing was wrong and tried to be as pleasing as possible.

Still, I wonder, how much of this would I ignore if I didn't have the issues in my past that have me feeling inadequate because of my size? Hey, guess what, I'm a 14! There, I said it. And in some pants I'm a 16. Oh no! Back where I was in HS.

Would life be any better if I were a size 4? An 8? Even a 10?

I wonder about my life,  about the many contradictions.

I grew up attending Catholic School and leading a good girl life, but had parents who were into everything counter-culture on the weekends. Mom was into all the typical 70s stuff, like transcendental meditation, The Course in Miracles, the Association for Research and Enlightenment, and a host of other things. Dad was just an out and out hippie, smoking pot, living day to day, and cultivating as many girlfriends as possible.  Talk about mixed messages. Go to Catholic school but don't go to church. Make the sacraments but don't live by them.

I was sent to a foster home when I was 4. Why? She couldn't take care of me? Didn't want my grandparents to have me? I don't get it, even to this day. 

I think I didn't have much direction. Sometimes I feel like I raised myself.

And what now? There are times when I seem so naive. I've hardly lived, in a lot of respects, and I consider myself to be quite boring, yet here I am, involved in a polyamorous relationship - and I'm pretty open about it. I brought Joe to my friend's barbecue this weekend (along with the husband and the child) and we all had a good time.

But I don't know, I think I need to work on certain things. I've been gaining weight, sabotaging myself. That has to end. I need to apply elsewhere because the promises that are made to me never seem to materialize. I'm fighting a losing battle here.

I did get Lance to agree to hold off on buying a house. We just don't have the money, and I want to pay off more debt. I took a pension loan to pay off the high-interest credit card, and I think I can get a handle on the other stuff - finally! We're not going to piss money away this year. I won't let that happen.

But what is it that I want? Financial security? Sure. That's one thing. I want to feel secure in many areas of my life, and right now I don't. Not sure what I can do to help that along.

Last night was amazing. I saw Alceste at the Rose Room. I was truly moved, and surprised myself by tearing up. I am grateful for a beautiful night out, it was a lovely gift.

I don't post much because things don't seem to be changing very quickly. I've been back and forth on the house issue and as much as I'd love to get one right now, I don't think it's the right time. Give me a year, let me pay off the bills, and I'll come out on top of all of this. I hope the interest rates don't rise, but it's a chance I'll have to take. I need to be able to pay things off.

I argue with Lance about money. We are back and forth, he says he's on the same page, but then he'll buy something or do something with money that makes no sense to me. Our priorities seem so different.

No, I know I'm right, it's not time. A house isn't going to make things perfect, it'll just add more stress. The taxes alone are daunting!

What else is new? Not too much. Same stuff at work, same stuff at home, and I enjoy the times when Joe visits. I'm feeling better now that the warmer weather is here, and I'm not getting depressed. I think that's a good thing. Margie and I have mostly been talking about money issues, still bypassing the deeper stuff. It's fine by me, there's a lot I think I don't want to face.

Things had been going well, or so it seemed. I thought things were good. Guess not.

I have tried explaining finances to Lance over and over, and it's like he just doesn't get it. Once again I feel alone in this. He had an incident this week where his paycheck was late, and then we were told to hold it while some money cleared. That is not a good sign and it was proof to me that we shouldn't be buying a house. I can't do it yet.

I was home yesterday and decided to have a very earnest talk with him about money. I told him I'd feel much more secure in trying to buy a house if we lived frugally, learned to save, and paid off the bills. If we didn't have the bills we would be fine. Sure, the student loans will be there a lot longer, but we could pay off the credit cards, and then work on paying off the car. If we didn't have the cards I would feel better. So, we came up with a plan and a timetable, and I have asked him to evaluate everything before buying - if it's not entirely necessary, don't buy it. I think he's frivolous with certain things. Last Sunday he ran out and bought a shirt & tie because he'd forgotten to take his shirts to the cleaners. That was just wrong.

So today I go to work, thinking that I finally got through to him about all this. Then, on my way home, I found out taht Lance spent money on something I didn't think of as necessary - after we had our long money talk yesterday, it felt like a betrayal. Yes, tomorrow is Mother's Day. Yes, he got his mom a bottle of wine and I got mine a set of lotions from the Body shop. We are taking everyone out to brunch tomorrow at a cost of 25 a head. Yes, he told me yesterday he wasn't getting me anything, and I shouldn't get him anything for father's day, because we are saving to pay off the bills & buy a house.

So what does he do? He goes to the florist and orders 3 rose corsages, $50. Why??? Why was it necessary on top of everything else? I always tell him not to get flowers because they're a waste, the cats eat them - I think the corsage is even more of a waste. I don't think his mom will give a shit about something like that, and I know mine wouldn't expect it. So I don't understand the psychology behind it. I think he's got some weird guilt shit going on with his mother, especially since he keeps telling me that he has to go to his cousin's kid's bat mitzvah just so he can drive her. Well, no. It's outside of boston, it means spending a night or two in Mass. at a cost of at least 99 a night, and it means multiple outfit changes. No. I sent back the response saying no. We don't talk to his cousins, none of us are close, and it just seems like a waste.

Now I'm sitting here thinking to myself - I just took out a pension loan to pay off credit cards. I'm gambling my future, and he's still not getting it. I thought he wanted to work on this. Maybe I'm making too much of a deal about this, but really, I am not in any shape to buy a house with this man. I still don't know if this marriage is going to work out. Every time I open up and think that things might be getting better I get clues that we're just not on the same page.  

The past couple of weeks have been busy and crazy. Our real estate agent asked us to put in a bid on the house last week, on Wednesday night. We did, but it was rejected on Friday. The owners want as much as possible. Don't we all? Their rejection makes no sense. They bought the house in 2006 for 240K. That was the one of the highest points for real estate. Yes, they did some work, but the place is far from picture-perfect, so we offered 265K. They countered with 290K! Someone needs to tell them that the real estate market has dropped. I think we still have a good chance, because I don't think they'll get too many other offers. Why?
1. the kitchen is badly laid out. It's a galley kitchen, no dishwasher, it's very crowded, and the cabinets aren't new.
2. There's very little storage area. There's no basement or attic, so the closets are it - and this is a 1920 house with very few closets.
3. The doors are off of all the closets. Um, I know this was done to save space, but curtains instead of closet doors look odd.
4. The crown molding they installed in the living room and dining room is upside down.
5. The house has a lot of stairs.
6. The house across the street, which was a 4 bedroom and with less stairs, sold for a lot less.

There are other issues, too. I think they paved the backyard with paving stones.  Now I'm going to play the waiting game. They already bought another house, so if this one doesn't sell quickly they will be forced to drop the price.

So what else has been going on? Last Wednesday I went to the NJLA convention. This year seemed much better than previous years. I guess it's because there was a much younger feel to the offerings.  Last Monday I went to the NJ Poly group, and had a great time. The discussion was lively and after it ended we went to the diner. I finished out the evening standing in front of the diner, being hugged by Joe, while he sang to me. It was incredibly sweet.

Today was gorgeous. I thought it was supposed to rain, but because the weather stayed nice I ditched all my weekend chores and enjoyed the day outside. Lance and I went into Manhattan, walked from Christopher St. PATH to Chelsea Market, had lunch, browsed the market, attended a wine tasting, and then walked down through the Village and out to the river. We walked down Hudson River Park and went to the Tribeca film festival, and stopped to be tested for a bone marrow registry. Lance seemed apprehensive when I suggested participating, but why the hell not? If I can help save a child, you bet I'll do it. There is nothing worse than seeing a child in pain, except maybe seeing the faces of that child's parents. No, no one should have to go through that.

After that we walked up through Chinatown, had dinner at Mandarin Court, and walked back to PATH at WTC. We had parked in Jersey City and I drove home. I still can't believe the rain held off as long as it did. We need more days like this, days where we can be alone and enjoy each others' company without interference. Maybe, if things had been different, if there hadn't been so much parental involvement, our lives would have turned out differently.

My mood has improved tremendously in the past couple of weeks. I am guessing a lot of that is due to the weather. Margie thinks it's because I've seen more of Joe, but I really haven't. I think it's more that I'm feeling better about things.

I finally went back to my doctor and got my blood tests redone. The anemia is gone, all my vitamin levels are on target, but she's still concerned about the fatigue and wants to check for viral counts. I'm not sure it's necessary - I'd like to see how I'll do with the better weather. I think that last year's surgery, combined with commando dieting, threw my body through a loop. So now I've gained some weight but I'm healthier. Go figure. It was funny - she told me my cholesterol was excellent. I had to tell her that I didn't fast the morning of the test, and actually had a coffee with cream before I saw her. Guess I'm good!

My legs are slightly sore from today's walk, and I'm sleepy, but I'm happy.

No word from the mortgage people, and now it's the weekend. I guess we didn't get it. I keep telling Lance that it means we have more work to do. We have to pay stuff off, and we have to get our credit reports looking better. I'm really pissed off that the student loans are the problem.

Yesterday was pretty good. Work was busy, I had a lot to handle with the children's department. I swear, we can't keep good people over there. Right now we have a children's librarian who is, for lack of a better word, lazy. She doesn't want to do the job - she wants the pages and assistants to do the job for her. I'm putting a stop to that right now.

In the early evening I went to Haley's girl scout event at a local Japanese restaurant. The girls enjoyed the hibachi show. Lance & I ordered sushi, which was very good. After dinner I took the train into NYC for the poly munch, and Lance took Haley to her first swim class. She loved it! I'm really glad, since I think she's a good swimmer and I'd like to see her get onto the local team.

The munch was fun, there were a lot of new faces, and of course I was able to see Joe. He drove me home, and my neighbor came over to visit. We all had a nice time talking and hanging out. I was a little concerned because Joe had a dry cough and it sounded like he was having an allergic reaction, but he said he'd had it since the previous night. After my neighbor went home and Lance went to bed, Joe and I talked until 3:30. It was comfortable and sweet, being able to be with him in that still part of the night. I am truly glad that he's a part of my life now. 

Today was gorgeous. I took the day off because friends were supposed to come in from out of town, but they were delayed and won't be here until later tonight. I got the oil changed and then Lance and I went on a picnic. It's like we are making some tentative progress - we are all right together most of the time. I haven't been as depressed, but that could be because the sun has been out. I'm enjoying it no matter what.

So much waiting!
Short-term:

Waiting to hear from the doctor about my blood test results.

Waiting to hear from the mortgage people about the student loan situation. The lates on the student loans may cause this to tank. :(

Waiting on word about friends coming to visit on Friday evening.

Long term:

Waiting to see what's going to happen at work. Will they fire the director? Will I get a raise/promotion?

Waiting to see if my son's job will give him the raise he deserves.

I saw Margie today and it went well. She was very warm and welcoming, so I'm guessing her vacation did us both some good. She seemed to think that buying the house was a good idea, and that working things through with Lance was a positive move. OK I can buy that. I just have to learn not to tense up and take every last thing as a rejection from him.

I think my mood tonight is a combination of anticipatory and anxious. I hope everything goes well,  I really do.  There are a lot of lates on both of our student loans.  I can explain away his with the forbearance letter but not mine. So, it could cost us the loan.  I'm not going to get depressed if we don't get this. Instead, I will definitely pay everything off and work towards paying things down. Then we can try again next year. We won't get this house but hey, maybe it means that something better is down the road.

I changed my default ringtone to Mama Said by the Shirelles. I figure with the way things were going, it's appropriate. I'm going to start assigning different songs to different people, just for fun.

So, what's been up? Last week was interesting. I'm waiting on those blood test results. On Friday night i went to see a house, but had someone help inspect it and it needs way too much work to be cost effective. We went to see another house, one I had considered before, but had decided against because I thought it didn't have enough room. I was wrong, it's actually a great house but it's just too cluttered. The owners rented it out to a very large family and they are running some sort of ebay business out of the upstairs rooms, so the entire downstairs is littered with beds. Very strange. Seeing beyond that, measuring everything, and realizing how much potential the house had convinced me to give it a go. I think we're actually going to put in an offer.

Am I crazy, considering this, scraping together the down payment, when things aren't 100% kosher between us? I think it'll be a positive mood. It gives us a shared goal, something to work towards, and if I need to get away I can always move downstairs, haha. I want this house, I think it's perfect for us. It's an old, urban 20s townhouse, brick, semi-attached. It appeals to my urban home sense, but it's in a suburban-enough part of our fair city so that dog walking will be fun.

Work issues - boss is out for a couple of days, and the new Children's librarian is not doing well. She's not very nice to the staff, she seems like she doesn't know what to do, and she has been denying services to patrons. Yeah, that's not good. We had some great people here who were either fired or chased away, and now we're not getting the best candidates.  I need to get out some more publicity for our programs.

My son and his girlfriend returned from Disney last night.  They had a great time, I'm glad for them. They needed to have some fun after this year's illnesses.

Tomorrow it's back to therapy before work and I still need to think about exactly what I want to say. I think I need to speak directly about everything I felt a couple of weeks ago. I tried to decide if I were imagining things or taking things too personally, but I don't think so. I'm going to have to stand up for myself a bit, and talk things out in a rational manner.

Of course the prettiest day of the weekend was Saturday, and I was at work all day. I enjoyed yesterday, though. I met up with Luis and Andrew. They treated me to a wonderful lunch, and we were able to walk around in the sunshine.

I'm still fighting the tiredness and the depression - but the point is, I am fighting. I need to continue to do this, because having a positive outlook will help change things.

Yup. Always. I feel like I did right after Josh was born, that's how tired I am. Not good.

I finally went to see my primary doc today. I told her about the tests I'd had while she was on maternity leave, and showed her the blood test results. She agreed that something odd is up, and internal bleeding would have been her first guess. She was surprised that those tests came back negative.

She drew more blood, she's running an iron panel and a few other things, and hopefully we'll get to the bottom of this. There has to be a reason for the tiredness.

I was a little miffed last night - found out that the NJ poly group had a steering committee meeting. No one told me, even though I had volunteered. Hell, I'm supposed to be writing up the press releases and making the ads, so I'm surprised I wasn't included. I'll chalk it up to an oversight, but I'm wondering why it happened. I could have gone on Wednesday, since we were child-free here until yesterday.

My son is in Disney with his girlfriend, having a great time. I'm happy for them, I hope they make some fantastic memories. :)

I was done awhile with the taxes awhile ago, and was really pissed off that I owed money. Oh well, it was mailed, and I'm done. Too bad more people didn't finish on time. I'm sorry, but don't go to your public library on April 15th and expect the librarians to do your taxes. We're not licensed for that.

I've been trying to combat my depression by getting more sun and repeating positive points. I think I'm hiding it well. I spent the night with Joe a little over a week ago, and was feeling very down, but I made sure not to pass that along to him.  There's no use in being a downer around other people, right?

Speaking of Joe, Lance and I went to the Westchester munch on Monday, and we went to his house after. It was a really nice evening, and I was feeling good, so everything went well. His wife really is lovely. You can tell that they love each other very much - both Lance and I found that touching.

So, what about me? I still feel like I'm caught on the hamster wheel. Nothing is new at work, nothing is new at home. I get depressed, I get angry, but I don't know what the hell I want. I also feel like things have changed with Margie. For the past year we've talked about how the constant rejections left me with feelings of being inadequate, and we discussed my reactions being like post-traumatic stress. We were using EMDR but I know I was trying to steer myself away from that, because reliving that stuff before going to work was just too much for me. Her focus has been on getting me to get involved in the poly community and having me date so that I'd gain confidence and learn to deal with adult dating situations. There's only one problem - I really don't want to date. I want to be married, I want to have a full and loving relationship with my husband. I've said all along that I wasn't sure if participating in polyamory would work for me, since my primary relationship isn't exactly healthy.

Two weeks ago I was very, very angry. I was angry with Lance, angry with myself, angry with my job situation - angry at all the reasons as to why I felt depressed. I let all that anger out in front of Margie. She seemed sad, like she didn't know what I should do but she acted like her pushing me towards poly had been a mistake. Then, at last week's session, she seemed distant. She was a bit late coming down to the office, and I had the feeling like things had changed between us. She kept insisting that I should log into OK Cupid and try to make some dates. I'm not interested!  Really, I'm not. If I were, I'd do it.  I told her that I don't like OK Cupid, for the most part, because I've made it clear in my profile that I am looking for friends first. I don't like people hitting on me, I'm not comfortable.  I told her I much prefer meeting people in group settings and letting things develop from there. Margie's answer surprised me - she said that situations like that only exist in high school and in work environments, and I don't work in a place where I could meet people like that.  She told me that adults meet online now, it's the way things are done. Ok, fine. That's nice - I am still not interested in dating or meeting anyone.  Margie ended by telling me that I need to stop feeling bad about things, that I have to stop reacting to everything Lance does. Examples she gave were things she was agreeing with me about months ago, so I'm very confused. What it came down to was I need to stop playing the victim role. Is that what I'm doing? Do I just need to grow up and get on with things?

I adore Joe, I think he's a great guy and a great friend. I find myself caring for him very, very much. I didn't expect that to happen. I still think that I'm better off getting my head together and getting my life on track before trying to make any more connections. There's just too much going on with me right now.

Do I try to work things out with Lance? I'm afraid that if I start trying to have a real relationship with him, I'll be disappointed or something will happen that will cause me to feel hurt, and all that old crap will keep repeating. I know I'm able to get over things, the EMDR did help me let go of all the crap I felt surrounding Gabriel. I have none of that plaguing me anymore, and I haven't felt bad about that stuff in a very long time. Yet it didn't seem to help much with the things I went through with Lance.  So, I don't know if I'm doing the right thing.

I'm really down, I'm missing deadlines, I just don't care about all that much. I'm shutting down. This extended winter better end soon.

I need to do more publicity, I need to start the projects I want to start, I need to line up performers for the summer & fall, and I need to stop feeling like things suck. I had a somewhat happy night last night but couldn't fully enjoy myself, even though I felt good being there.

I owe people emails, I owe people documentation. I have to fix something with the state, I have to mail my son's state taxes, and there's all sorts of little things I should be doing. I guess I'll make a list and get started. 

Today, at Margie's I just wanted to walk out and say "you know what? This isn't working. Coming here is making me more depressed."  I didn't, though. I'm glad she's away next week so that I don't have to go back for a bit. I've tried coming off sugar to help with the depression but I'm guessing that's not it.

Seriously, blah. I've been depressed, angry, feeling trapped, feeling powerless.  I don't know what I'm supposed to do anymore. I need to feel like I have some say in my life, but now I'm feeling overwhelmed.

I feel like there's never going to be any advancement at work because it doesn't look like they're doing much to move against the director. As dishonest as he is, I don't know how they could allow him to stay. Then they hired a woman at a title two steps below mine, and yet her salary is comparable. I'm going to bring that up to the board.

Things at home are strained, too, and I don't think I can discuss it with anyone. I told Margie the other day that I feel like therapy, while nice, really hasn't helped all that much. Instead, I go because I like to talk to her about her family.  I'm quite good at getting her to open up to me instead of the other way around.

I decided I needed to do something constructive, so today I figured I'd try a day of completely sugar-free living. It's only noon and so far so good. I also decided to work on my credit score. I want to try and get some of the weird negative things off of the report so that I can apply for a mortgage when the time comes. I just wish I had a proper down payment. :(

The weekend was strange. I worked yesterday, and it wasn't the best of days. Little things kept going wrong:
1. Someone pissed in the elevator
2. The performers for the 2PM concert didn't show up on time
3. Server crash - had to reset all 18 public terminals after resetting the server
4. Crazy conspiracy guy got into a fight with crazy job application woman
5. Someone knocked the sliding doors off the tracks
6. Someone who has worked here for 20 years swore she didn't know where the reference mailboxes were

Haley went to the circus with her grandfather and his wife, and Lance went for a ride on the ferry, so everyone was out for the day. 

The night was even odder. I turned everything off for earth hour, and Lance & I sat in the dark, talking, not overly happily, about our lives. I don't know what it is he wants. He claims he just wants me to be happy, but what about him? What makes him happy? Maybe I think too much. Sometimes we talk about buying a house but other times we talk about splitting up. I wound up going to bed alone, had a long sleep.

Today we went into NYC and went to S'mac. We met up with Luis & Andrew, had a good time, and walked over to Washington Square Park after lunch. Haley had a great time playing with some kids in the park. I like taking her into the city, she gets to meet other only children, the kids whose parents work all week. Here at home there are so many stay-at-home moms that Haley already feels left out by that crowd. She is in after care while her school friends are having play dates. Still, Haley has a good time relating to the many adults who play with her.

I am worried about getting a house. Can we afford it? Taxes are miserable. The added utility expenses will be rough. Yet, if we don't buy, will we miss the boat?